I wanna be cool, too...

I know, I know...I'm whining or being dramatic, but whatever, I need to vent, and I don't do it often.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm done with school, even got straight A's. I haven't seen Jess in over six months now, and hell, I even have a new girlfriend. Work is going pretty well, still making more money doing what I do. I don't sit around the house anymore, I go out and do things with friends usually about six nights a week. I feel like I'm in better shape than I have ever been, though I could stand to lose another 20 pounds. So, why do I still feel this awful?

There are days I wake up and I can't really convince myself that it really is worth it to keep going on like this. I know it's wrong to think, but I still feel that dying is preferable to living. I have so far been able to keep doing the things I do day in and day out, but none of it actually feels like anything to me. I don't care about any of the things I used to like SOLAR, gaming, reading, or work. I need a new hobby...or maybe I actually need real help, but I don't think I can really seek that.

-Travis Dane

P.S. When I'm angry at someone (or even hate them)I do it out loud. I don't keep secret hatreds and I surely hate it when people talk behind people's backs. So if I post something here or say something out loud, I don't care if people know about it, and I hope they are offended. So don't tell me not to say something where anyone can hear or read it.

"In the New Testament the Savior of the world, our Lord Jesus Christ, represents the situation thus: The way that leads to life is straight, the gate narrow--few be they who find it!--...now, on the contrary, to speak only of Denmark, we are all Christians, the way is as broad as it possibly can be, the broadest in Denmark, since it is the way in which we all are walking, besides being in all respects as convenient, as comfortable, as possible; and the gate is as wide as it possibly can be, wider surely a gate cannot be than that through which we all are going en masse... Ergo the New Testament is no longer truth."

I am done with school. Graduated tonight. I got an 83% on my exit exam, which I wasn't happy with. But hey, it passes and I'm done. And I was one of only 2 people that even passed the exam, so that's worth something, too, right?

All that I have left is to that that pesky national registry test, and then I'll be an official EMT-I and all that Jazz.

Downside...they changed the test date to the 28th instead of the 14th. I guess that would be alright, because now technically I can go to next SOLAR. But oh, wait....isn't my firefighter testing also on the 28th!? Oh yeah. That's gonna cause some problems, me thinks...

Well, I'll worry about that when it gets here, for now, it's time to celebrate at least this victory.

-t

So, I've been really really busy these last two weeks. I have slept only about a third of the time that I've worked. And the small time that I do have I attempt to study with two gigantic tests coming up. But in the last two weeks I have seen:

- 2 threatened suicides
- 1 attempted suicide
- 1 cardiac arrest (that I helped resuscitate)
- 2 TIAs
- 1 MVA (car crash) but no injuries
- 1 SIDS
- 2 Hyperglycemic patients (one with BS of 304 and one with 450)
- 1 really angry hypoglycemic patient
- 1 massive anal hemorrhage patient
- 1 twisted ankle (really...who calls an ambulance for a twisted ankle)
- 1 cold (le sigh)
- 1 dislocated pelvis lady
- 1 9 month pregnant woman that didn't know she was pregnant. (she asked if she could abort the child....!)
- And a mess of non-emergency medical patients that mostly have chest pain.

I have been bled on, drooled on, vomited on, and had to reach my hands into a pool of urine. I have placed needles into folks and drawn their blood out. The funny thing is, though, I love it. I can't wait to actually be able to be paid to do this. So, now just my exit exam to get signed off on and then go to take the National registry on March 14th, and to watch the applications I have with all the fire departments....I'm excited. Also, does every person above the age of 60 have high blood pressure and CHF???

Woot! Saxby Chambliss!

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool...

Here we go!

Opening Credits: Of Wolf and Man ---Metallica

Waking Up: Chop Suey ---System of a down

First Day at School: Disarm ---Smashing pumpkins

Falling In Love: The Worst day since yesterday ---Flogging Molly

Fight Song: The Widow ---The Mars Volta

Breaking Up: You look like I need a drink ---Against me!

Prom: Deer Dance ---System of a down

Life: Mary Mac ---Great Big Sea

Mental Breakdown: Dead leaves and the dirty Ground ---White stripes

Driving: Girlfriend ---Avril Lavigne

Flashback: The World I know ---Collective Soul

Wedding: Walk ---Pantera

Birth of A Child: Runaway Train ---Soul Asylum

Final Battle: The Mesopotamians ---They Might Be Giants

Death Scene: This Suffering ---Billy Talent

Funeral Song: Voodoo ---Godsmack

End Credit: C'mon C'mon ---Von bondies

Life is....good?

Sick. Well, rather, still sick. I've been so congested for so long, I can't remember what it's like to smell anything. Sometimes that's not such a bad thing.

I finish school in just over 2 months, but won't graduate until March. Weak.

I went to a party this Saturday, and actually had fun the entire night. And, I had more to drink this night than I did 2 weeks ago. So it's not the alcohol that's the problem.

Been struggling with Depression since early September, but I think I'm climbing out of that rut. It actually feels good to be around and doing things. Speaking of which, I need to find more things to do. Work and school are great, but it really drives crazy on the weekends, realizing that I don't actually do anything. Also, I need a traveling buddy, I lost mine.

I want to see Alaska, Israel, and at least some part of Russia. Bah, well, that's being hopeful. Also, maybe sometimes that's not such a bad thing, either.

-t

How do you go about saying that I'm thinking about killing myself without sounding too whiny or dramatic?

That's a tough one.

-Dane

Ever had one of those dreams where when you wake up from it, you wish you never had?

Life sucks without a car. I can't do anything. I hate struggling to find a ride to school everyday. I hate not being able to go to the store to buy things when I need them.

I don't know if normal people react to stress and crappy life situations like I do. I seem to be more prone to anger the more stress I have. It's hard for me right now to not snap at friends from the slightest provocation. I'm barely managing to keep my cool at work for my managers and the customers that we serve.

I think I need a vacation. Like an honest one where I go away for a while...oh, and a car...

-t

It's been a crazy week. I had to vent somewhere so here I go. Really looking foward to this one being over.

1.)I somehow caught my instructor's attention, and he told me that if I do well and all that, then he'll definitely back and recommend me for the Fire academy. (This is the only thing I have that I liked this week.)

2.)Of course after having this talk, I blow my first test with a 90%. That's my lowest grade since getting into school. Everyone else says that I should be happy, and that it's an A. Yeah, but barely, and honestly 9 out of 10 isn't really good enough when it would come to actual patients..

3.)I got drunk again this weekend. I hate that I have to get drunk to go out to social events, and I hate who I am when I do get drunk.

4.)It seems that it's not a weekend anymore without me getting punched in the head.

5.)My car broke in the strangest way. I've had cars that wouldn't start for one reason or another. But my car is broke in such a way as that it won't stop. I can't turn the key out of the 'on' position in the ignition, and it won't come out of park even when it is on. I have to disconnect everything while the engine is running to stop the stupid car.

6.)My second car broke yesterday...just awesome. The rear axel broke or something, the mechanic said it would be alot.

7.)School payment is due this Thursday. I can't afford school and to fix even one of my two broken cars...creates a certain dilemma. Pay for a car and not be able to go to school or pay for school but have no ride to get there...?

8.)Had an echocardiogram this last week because of a heart murmur the doctors heard during my physical last week. Doctor said it wasn't bad and that it's quite innocent, but that I should watch it closely, especially given my father's side of the family history with hearth problems. So this one wasn't so bad...I guess.

9.)Just throwing this one out there cause it bothered me. Words don't mean a damn thing to me. Say your sorry all you want, I don't care. Want my actual and honest forgiveness(I doubt you do)? Actually do something that earns it.

10.)It's that time of the year to celebrate my birthday (woot 26!), which also means celebrating when I was given my divorce papers...I hate this time of the year.

11.)My work is trying to charge me $125 dollars because they say that I ONLY worked 39 hours and 42 minutes last week (18 MINUTES short of my salaried minimum), even though I record when I come into work and leave everyday and I counted 42 hours and 14 minutes...so that should be fun, too...

12.)SOLAR is this weekend....maybe that will be good?

Why do I actually feel so good right now? I'm suffering from anti-depression or am in a huge state of denial right now.

-t

*slight edit*Two things I have enjoyed this week. Chow Baby, thanks Whitney.

So there was this deputy in Cobb county that I worked with not quite two weeks ago.  And then last week he was arrested for kidnapping and raping a woman. 

Not that there is anything funny in that, but what did strike me as odd, was that after working with him for a day, myself and my crew all thought that he was pretty cool.  I am now calling into question my judge of character.

It makes me shudder.

-t

 I remember only two months ago when I used to be so tired from just working my 45-50ish hour work weeks.  Then last night it dawned on me while I was driving home from school.  I was really looking forward to today because all I have is 40 some odd evictions, which is probably only about an 8 or 9 hour day. It just seemed so simple,  I love it.  Life is going to seem pretty boring when I do finish with school.  

Maybe I should look into some social life after I graduate?  Pah, yeah, who am I kidding.  Maybe I'm doing what I'm finally content with doing...Work, learn, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. 

 

" Don't want to get too excited, I know some calamity is just around the corner for me."

That's what I said last post.  Okay, maybe it's not a calamity, but it still sucks.  Three roommates in, one roommate out.  Now we are all scrambling to find another replacement.

Also, blew my perfect score.  I only got a 96% on my final.  Well, I guess that's still okay...still an A for my first mod.  And woot, I can do CPR again legally! 

But now I am tired, it is only Wednesday and I'm already at 32 hours at PDQ with 2 days left to go.  That would be pretty swell if I wasn't on salary.

Things *seem* to be on the up.  Got my Bush bucks yesterday, Got not one, but three new roommates (which should lower my rent by about $600/month), and the 100% class average that I thought impossible to get back...well, I got it back.  I managed to pull a 110% on my vocab test yesterday, making up for the two 95% tests.

So *most* of my life seems to be going well. Hurray? Don't want to get too excited, I know some calamity is just around the corner for me.

I'm such an optimist.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Put a star next to the ones you've started but never finished.

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman - Read The Golden Compass, haven't gotten around to the other ones yet
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. **Little Women - Louisa M Alcott **
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. **Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell **
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. **Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck **
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy (well, I count it, I'm almost done)
68. Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. **Moby Dick - Herman Melville**
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. **The Color Purple - Alice Walker **
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Alborn
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. **The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas - **
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
**100. **Les Miserables - Victor Hugo **

P.S.  I don't care about that links, so HA! 

I have no money left. I can't afford rent...again. Time to move....again.

Tired. Work, school, study, work, school, study, work-study, study, school, etc. It just goes on and on. On the plus side, I managed to watch two whole movies since Sunday. That's 3 hours of free time! Oh wait, it's because i didn't go to work on tuesday.

But I got a 98% on my last test, a 100% on my last vocab and a 100% on my pop quiz on the skeleton. Class average is at 98.9%....still lower than the 100% that I wanted, but I guess it will do.

work starts now

Snarky:
1.) Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide.
2.) Irritable or short-tempered; irascible.

You called me snarky...do you really think that's me!? (you know who you are!)

Well, ruined my perfect 100% with that 98% I got on the 101 test today, but school is going ok other than that. Today we got to practice rapid extrication from vehicles onto longboards...we even had a pregnant lady that helped as a patient (ok, so she's a student, too).

Now I get home and get to retire to my butter and noodle supper and then hit the sack so I can wake up early tomorrow...woot

Things are going great!